Wednesday, August 20, 2014

010 . Youth Sold for a Pension Cheque

Maaaaaan. I forgot about this thing until I was about to update Facebook with a post that was entirely too long! Hah.

So what's been up? How's everyone doing?

Let's talk about my fitness journey. It pretty much just stopped until recently when I decided to splurge 20 bucks on a weighted hula hoop. I'm so in love with it that I even took it to Galveston on a family vacation with me. I'm really wanting to upgrade to a lighter, thinner intermediate hoop. I've got my eye on a beautiful red, black, and white one off of Etsy that I'll hopefully be able to call my own within this next month. I really want to start learning tricks and stuff with it.

Speaking of vacation, I just had my first official family vacation! Kenji, Kevin, and I (along with my parents and little brother who decided to come after not wanting to come.. long story) all went to Galveston and Kemah for the weekend to just get away and relax. Kenji got to hang out at the beach for the very first time and he absolutely loved it. Funny story is that I was hellbent on getting him a shovel and bucket for the beach so he could build a sandcastle.. and we couldn't find one ANYWHERE! Target didn't have them, Wal-Mart didn't have them... we actually had to wait until we were on the beach at a souvenir shop to find one! But it was well worth it, he wanted to play in the sand more than the water, hahah! We also went to Schlitterbahn which was pretty fun. I think we were originally planning to leave at 1 but ended up leaving at around 6. Also, originally, Kevin and I didn't want to even go to the waterpark. So glad that we did. And Kenji's favorite slide ended up being the biggest, baddest one there that was a straight shot down and the highest in the park! Who would have thought! And Kevin got me this super cute plush octopus on the way out that I named Norman, who I loooove to use as a little pillow on the couch since his body is so big. After the waterpark when we went to eat though Kenji started feeling pretty bad.. everyone kept saying he was just tired from the waterpark but I know how he was acting. Didn't even want dessert that night when everyone else was wanting to go get ice cream! Needless to say, he got a fever and woke up in the middle of the night throwing up. Always happens when he swims for a super long period of time outside. Poor guy.

Got back Sunday, worked Monday.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful until right before bed when Kevin decided to have a talk about us... it's so funny because he always gets so weird and a talk that probably totals 10 minutes ends up taking him about an hour. And then I get so weird that I have to play on my phone and get sudden A.D.D. with everything around me and just end up being weird as well. We're strange people. But after 2 months and a couple of days we decided to try and work everything out and get back together, at least until the lease is up to decided where we want to go with each other. He asked me to try and push myself into a better place job wise, I told him if I find him lying one more time that I wasn't going to be sleeping on the couch again, I was just going to be out the door. So we'll see how everything works out.

Sleeping in the bed with him again last night after so long felt really weird. I mean, we shared a bed for 2 nights while on vacation, but it's different when it's just the two of you (not the 6) in your own bed, plus after having done it for 5 years and then stopped suddenly for over 2 months. He even wrapped his arm around me to sleep. It was.. really nice and comforting. I missed that sort of security feeling, and didn't realize it until I was back in that place. Everything just feels warm again, if that makes any sense.

As for today, Kevin plays soccer with his buddies until late so I'm home with the kiddo and fixing to move everything from Kenji's room back into the bedroom. It's going to be SO nice having everything in a dresser again and not just stacked on a shelf. I was getting really tired of my clothes falling and unfolding every time I went to get something. I will, however, miss Kenji's bathroom! He doesn't have a lot of stuff in there, so it was nice having all that room, hahah. Plus his shower feels better for some unknown reason.. like, to me, his shower head sprays harder and the water feels hotter. I don't know. Maybe I'll just keep using his bathroom, hahah. It'll also be nice to not have all of my blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals cluttering up the couch 24/7.

Oh! Music! I've been listening a lot to The Pretty Reckless the past 2 days. More their old stuff than their new. I can't get my eyes off of Taylor Momsen! Her voice is AMAZING, and she's not too bad to look at, either. I couldn't get why I kept seeing her name all the time in tabloids (other than she being Cindy Lou-Who) but now I get it. If you want to check them out, I'm pretty obsessed with the song "My Medicine" right now.

I guess that's all for what's been going on recently. What a long update...

Thursday, July 10, 2014

009 . The Force of Habit's Killing Me

"The kiss goodnight, the stale routine, the spark is gone, what's wrong with me?"

I'm always wanting to write in here, but there's always something that distracts me. It's really frustrating sometimes when I sit down to write and I realize just how long it's been since my last actual update. I guess that's because I have 2 journals.. thinking of updating one leads me to not update the other.

I realized today that in 2 days I'd have been sleeping on the couch for a whole month.. which in itself is actually kind of amazing, because anything past a nap on that couch is awful. I loved that couch until I started sleeping on it. Needing: new couch preeze.

Speaking of couch, Kevin and I went on a "lunch date" yesterday. I felt like since he put the tag "date" on it (because I made him specify if it was a date or just a friendly lunch.. I felt like that was somewhat important) I had to dress up.. little did I know that I was going to get stared at everywhere I went due to the outfit I chose. It was.. creepy. Especially when people would smile at me. It would make more sense if I had a picture of what I wore, but I don't. I wore a black pencil dress? Next time I'll just take a picture.

Beach is in.. 5 weeks.. I can't waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait, OHMYGOD. It's gonna' be awesome. I can't wait to just go somewhere and not have to sit and worry about something, to actually just go somewhere to relax. It's going to be so greeeeeat. After this week of Kevin needing me to take off multiple days I'm going to start busting butt at work again so I can have money for the trip. :3

I guess that's really been about it. I feel like this summer has been a very mixed one. It's been soul-searchingly relaxing at times, stressful, and awkward. But.. I think it's still going to be an overall great one.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

008 . Conclusions and Life's Beginnings

Bad Suns album came out a couple of days ago. It's so freaking good, and the entire thing is on the band's YouTube. It's so relaxing!

It's been a long.. long, time since I've updated. My bad. What's been happening?

Diet went to shit. Which is mostly just due out of laziness to keep up with it, as always. I haven't gained any weight back, I'm still at 143.. but the actual "eating better" aspect has been demolished as well as the exercising. BUT! After this weekend busting ass at work isn't as high a priority as it has been (AKA: working to DEATH) so I'll have more time to focus on myself.

Speaking of focusing on myself, Kevin and I have split. I mean.. we're still friends, we're still living together for now since our lease doesn't end until December unless something happens in between now and then, good or bad.
So yeah, that whole thing happened.

It came down mostly to, "is this what I want in a relationship?" which turned out to be a no after much deliberation with myself for weeks on end. I got tired of being so unhappy with where I was at and just wanted time to focus on myself without having to worry about someone else and what made me so unhappy with them, if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain. It's learning to see all the things that would normally cause you to get really annoyed, because you're in a relationship and you see them as unthoughtful or rude or whatever and just see them as things your room mate does on their own? Like if they don't hang out with you on your days off it's whatever because you don't have to feel like you've waited for your days off to spend with them because it's your S.O. and they can do whatever they want and you be fine with it because they're their own person now, not yours? Shit, does any of this make sense? Whatever. Here. Example of how my brain is trying to work: I've been getting one solid day off a week if I refuse to pick up a shift. If Kevin decided on that day off to go hang with his buddies I feel as though I don't have a reason to be mad or jealous because it's not like he's my boyfriend and I see it as unthoughtful.. it's what he wants to do since he doesn't have to watch Kenji that day because I'm off. And then I also don't have to spend the entire week looking forward to that one day off to ultimately finally spend time with my boyfriend.. now I can spend it looking forward to just having a day off in general to relax. Make sense now? Hahah. I mean. We dated almost 5 years.. and I just didn't see it going anywhere or improving, just sitting still and going into a boring routine filled with bouts of serious unhappiness. My life is 1/3rd gone.. I can't sit still knowing this. It's not going to change for me.. I've got to change it myself if I want it to improve.

In connection with this, I've felt for a long while about how much I've been wanting my own room. While right now everything I own is being shared in Kenji's room (I moved everything from what was our bedroom into Kenji's room along with taking to sleeping on the couch), it was nice while he was at his grandparent's house to have a place where all my things where in one area and a bed where I can just sit and chill. I know I could've done that before, but it's just different when someone can't just walk in there when they please and be all, "what are you doing?" you know? I really want just an area that is MINE. A room itself would have been amazing. Somewhere I can put MY posters, MY figurines, MY art stuff.. just do whatever the hell I want with it. Even if I were in a relationship, that would be something I want. I think it would relieve a whole bunch of stress and anger within me, honestly, to just have a place that I can go to that's mine. So maybe a 3 bedroom place.

I'm just basically ready for some all around change. These past few days have been a mix of happy on the outside, miserable and lonely on the inside, but I'm ready to start picking myself up and stop dwelling on the here and now and what's been done and make things better for what I want my life to be.

I'm ready to focus on myself, outwardly. Inwardly. I'm ready to have money in the bank all of the time and work more than normal to see that it can happen, especially seeing lately how much extra money I've made to spend on my tattoo. I'm ready to go out with my best friend this summer and explore places I haven't been to before, or places I love going like Deep Ellum on our next exploration adventure. I'm ready to try out new restaurants. I'm ready for new music. I'm ready to take days off and go do things instead of sitting at home like maybe going to the Science Museum, or going to comic book stores far away that I haven't been to and eating at surrounding restaurants. I'm ready to look for treasures in antique shops and record stores. I'm ready to go somewhere dark at night and check out the stars again. I'm ready to enjoy the rest of my summer.

I'm ready to see if there's anyone out there who can treat me like I'm an actual girl, because no one has seemed to remember that fact. I'm ready to find someone who can give me nice notes or flowers sometimes for no reason other than to remind me that they're thinking about me all of the time. I'm ready for someone to actually ask me out on a date and remind me what butterflies feel like. I'm ready for simple outings like seeing stars while eating ice cream on the lake or hanging out at the park like kids on the playground late at night. I'm ready to feel like I need to put makeup on and dress nice to impress someone. I'm ready for surprise adventures just because. I'm ready for kisses on the doorstep. I'm ready for someone who makes movie nights at home fun or different. I'm ready for someone who can think of something to do on nights when Kenji isn't with us instead of relying on me every time. I'm ready for someone who likes to do the dorky, dumb things that I'm into without any sort of complaint but with a smile on their face because it'll make me happy. I'm ready for someone who keeps texting me when we should be sleeping because it's fun and because they enjoy talking to me about anything. I'm ready for someone who tells me I'm beautiful. I'm ready for someone who makes me feel like I'm actually an important part of their life, not just a piece of furniture who inhabits it. I'm ready for someone who likes to take pictures with me so we can look back on fun memories together. I'm ready for someone who isn't afraid to hold my hand or kiss me in public and make me feel like I'm some awkward, secret thing to be seen with them. I'm ready for someone who doesn't keep secrets behind my back and who's open and honest with me up front, no matter what it is. I'm ready for romance, because all I know about it is what I see from others. I'm tired of spending my time watching the television when I have nothing to do.

Something I've come to terms with is that I'm someone who always craves "different." I can't have the same thing for too long. It's why I constantly change what my art project is, why my music tastes drastically change from genre to genre every couple of years, why I moved to Michigan on a whim.. it's part of the reason I really believe I might be bipolar other than getting prescriptions for it a year ago. I'm constantly wanting something different. I crave adventure, excitement, CHANGE. Right now, my life has been bland and unhappy. Just a constant feeling of, "Why is my life like this? This is not how I envisioned my life."

It's summer. This is the time for new beginnings. I'm ready for my life to improve. Or maybe I just need a vacation somewhere (I've been wanting to go to Galveston lately). Either way, big changes have happened lately, and I'm ready for more.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

007 . Your Wounds are Opening Wide

"Your wounds are opening wide, and they might be just my size."

I've really been wanting to get the Crisis album by Alexisonfire for the past week but haven't had the time to do it. Since Kevin got a new car I've been driving his old one which has a CD player, unlike my car which only has radio. He's got Alexisonfire's Watch Out! but that's it. /cry

In other news, as most people know, I've gotten my half-sleeve started up! Got there at 10 in the morning and was under the gun until 4:45 so both my artist, David Mushaney, and I could all go get our kids, hahah. Honestly when I saw his idea I wasn't too thrilled about it (I was expecting more, but he explained the design flow and why things I wanted would and would not work), but now that it's on my skin, I'm absolutely in love. There's a difference between something being flat on paper I guess. I really, really, really want this thing done. My second appointment is on the 30th but my third still needs to be scheduled. Last I saw on their Facebook he was booked up until October already. If I really had to wait that long I'd be stoked if he could schedule on my birthday in October. That'd be a badass birthday present.

As for getting the actual tattoo itself, it wasn't half bad. It was definitely a different feeling than the hearts on my chest.. the hearts felt distinctly like a razorblade being dragged across the skin while on my arm it was a different stinging sensation. It wasn't bad until he got up near the armpit and towards the back portion of my arm.. I think those were the only points where I was actually making faces feeling the needle being dragged across my skin. Most of the 6 hours was spent watching Netflix and various movies on my bestie's laptop who went with me. Got a 30 minute break for lunch and went to Panda Express down the street. It felt really nice to get up and move around after having been about 2 and a half hours in at that point. Out of the whole experience, the last 45 minutes were the only part I found grueling.. I don't know why, but by then I was ready to just GET. UP. I think it's because he had gone from the back portion to the front and by that point the front was sore from resting and then being stabbed all over again so it was just very, very uncomfortable. But! I managed through it. Sitting in the same position for hours was pretty grueling too. I think there were 3 times where he asked me to actually roll over or move a different way, but when I needed to move my arm around from numbness or whatever he was cool about it. Would completely and definitely recommend this guy to anyone and everyone. Very professional and nice with a light hand, and I've already talked to him about a piece for next year which he sounded very interested in doing. :)

As far as food goes, I'm down 6 pounds and seem to be stuck there. I think it's because I was eating really good and then the last 2 or 3 days I've been eating shitty because I couldn't really help it.. like yesterday with the Panda Express and the day before that eating Mexican food, and the day before that eating burgers. The burgers though was supposed to be my one "cheat meal" of the week. The other 2... blah. But I'm up and at it again this week, so we'll see if my weight moves any.

Now to bust some serious ass at work.. starting next week I'll have more than normal shifts at Cachette for the following 2 weeks, which I'm actually really, really excited about. This coming Friday and Saturday in particular it'll be just me until close which will hopefully be some excellent money as well as working Roadhouse that night. $1,000 by the 30th on top of $375 rent and $345 daycare, go!

Thursday, June 5, 2014

006 . Magic

I've had the Coldplay song "Magic" stuck in my head all day. It's so freaking relaxing.

I've also had the worst migraine ever from behind my right eye since yesterday. I was tossing and turning for hours last night before I was able to get myself to sleep. I was hoping it'd be gone by the time I woke up, but alas, it's still there behind the same eye. It usually transfers to the other eye the next day, so I'm pretty much expecting my left to be hurting tomorrow instead of the expected today. Dumb.

I've already lost between 5 and 6 pounds. It fluctuates during the day. I usually weigh myself when I wake up, after I eat something, and when I get home from work, so.. yanno. But I started out at 150.6 and after breakfast I hover over about 144.4. So hooray for progress! I should really be working out, I haven't been running much less doing anything else lately, but work has been kicking my butt extra hard this last week and I've just been way too tired. I figure "4-5 hours of brisk walking" is good enough.  ¬_¬

Food wise, I've been obsessing over Panera Bread. The other day I had half of a Strawberry Poppyseed with Chicken Salad and then a little Strawberry Rhubarb cake thing and I think total it was only like.. 420 calories plus however much is in the little side of bread. Sooooooo good. I've been wanting it again- might get it for lunch today or something.

Other than that it's all been work, work, work. All the different high schools coming to use the UNT stadium all week has meant extra busy times for Roadhouse.. I made $90+ both on Monday and Tuesday when I'm used to making like.. $30. I've also dealt with the rudest table ever due to the graduations, but that's a different story for a different time. Aside from that, it's just been the last little bit needed for my tattoo session Monday and for some new summer clothes for Kenji.

SPEAKING OF KENJI. It's his last day of Kindergarten today! I was pretty upset that his school doesn't do a graduation ceremony for the Kindergartners. His teacher said she couldn't understand why they didn't because they have all the caps and gowns. Oh well. I got the day off since he gets an early release and we're going to spend the day doing fun stuff together to celebrate, so that should be good.

I'm off to sleep off this migraine more.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

005 . The Nothing

"The Nothing," wasn't that the baddie going around in The Neverending Story? Anyway.

Today wasn't all too great. Didn't end up working, literally had zero calories today because I ate absolutely nothing and drank absolutely zero liquid because I'm just not feelin' it for one reason or another. I'm just physically and mentally exhausted. I did however get to spend time with the kiddo and his Minecraft adventures along with taking a 3 hour nap and watching Train spotting on Netflix even though I have it on DVD. So that was alright.

Work in the morning is going to draaaaag. Hopefully it isn't slow- I was needing to make minimum $90 today which obviously didn't happen since I didn't end up working. Pooooop. Gotta bust ass this week at zee jobs.

004 . Friends Equal Food

So I didn't update in the last 2 days due to being extremely busy with work. The night of May 29th (my last entry) I ended up running that to my Couch to 5K app again. In the 30 minutes of walking mixed with jogging I managed to run 1.73 miles, which to me is a pretty big deal. So hooray for that. Friday I worked 13 hours so nothing there because I came straight home and passed out in bed.

As for yesterday I worked in the morning and spent time with my bestie. We ended up going to the Kirby Mansion on the Denton/ Sanger borderline. There really wasn't very much to see minus this huge metal spiral staircase which was pretty cool. I think I told Ell at one point when going down from the 3rd floor, "I feel like Rose from Titanic, ooooh!" Hahahah. But yeah, other than that it was just some old gutted building. We had to walk through waist-high grass, thorny weeds, mosquitoes and other bugs, as well as the heat to get there. It was awful. I told her that next place was my choice and that we were going to Deep Ellum because it's not only covered in graffiti, it has giant robot sculptures hanging around the place.

After that we went and saw Maleficent, which felt really short to me for some reason even though it was 2 hours long. It was really good though, and I imagine some of the effects would have looked very awesome in 3-D. I'll probably have to go watch it again to see how it looks. I have this whole rationalization that I'm never going to get the chance to see these movies in 3-D ever again so I might as well see it that way while I have the chance.

Diet wise, yesterday was a bit of a disaster, bit of a stepping stone. Breakfast was okay, I had a bowl of watermelon and the smallest raspberry muffin we had. Snack was a bit of a downer because I had a cupcake and potato chips. Upside was I offered to split the cupcake and I only had a handful of chips. Lunch/Dinner time was spent with Ell and we decided to get Dairy Queen, in which I got a bacon cheeseburger without tomatoes and pickles, small fries, a Sprite, and a small Smores blizzard. Upside, everything was a small (I usually get a large because DQ has the BEST fries.), I ended up not even drinking the Sprite and throwing it completely away because before even going on our adventure trip we got bottles of water and I knew that was healthier, and while we were walking up to the mansion and near a trashcan I literally told Ell while a little under halfway eating my Blizzard, "I think I should have just gotten a mini. Ell, I need you to physically take this away from me and throw it away..." which she did, because she's the best. <3 So I only ate half of it. So while I ate awful fast food, I also had a  bit of will power there. I feel like I need to see a bright side to it other than just beating myself up about how bad I ate. It would probably be really mentally unhealthy if I just did that all the time for every little thing I stuck in my mouth. Plus I feel like maybe once a week I should give myself a day to eat what I want, and if I feel like I can make healthier choices that day and I want to, I can, but no pressure.

OH! And Ell painted my nails Harley Quinn themed and I absolutely adooooore them! She thought they came out raggedy I think, but I woke up this morning going, "Oh yeah, my nails! How awesome!" Hahah. :)

As for today, I work at 12:30 for a single shift (unless I'm an extra and get sent home.. I've been there everyday this week except yesterday). I'll probably end up picking up a shift tonight even though I really don't want to. I need to make $100 today though so I can pay for Summer Camp at Kenji's daycare. We'll see how that goes. I also need to run tonight since I skipped doing it yesterday, which honestly doesn't put me off the app since it's any 3 days in a week and I technically started on a Wednesday. Only time will tell how I'm feeling about that.